As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there