When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
#ProTip
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there