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Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together