date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Dolls on drugs
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.