[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall