If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
never deleting this app.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who