MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Ion see the issue
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop