My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong