At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The Weeknd is back
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
That’s incredible! 👌
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”