God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Someone just threatened to call me later
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.