[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Who.
Did.
This?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.