Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
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USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…