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Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.