I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
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“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.