Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I wish I were this cool 😂
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???