Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
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Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her