Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.