I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*