Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS