Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
And bowling should be called pinball
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.