The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.