Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me trying to reach for my goals
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.