It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
kevin is now a local weatherman
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.