[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
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3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
my sentiments exactly
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.