If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
craving $300 all of a sudden
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me :
All Day At Night
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.