*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*