[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Festive toon…
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.