There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Bringing home a sharpie
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense