Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”