I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]