Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
what’s the point then??
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.