My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Breaking news:
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.