“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
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Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule