Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I feel it
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car