Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”