“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
how long have you had this for?