*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
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My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.