when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
You Might Also Like
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby