My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
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me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
taking June’s advice to heart
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
How do you milk an almond?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
How about daylight saves us for once
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.