When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I think my mom just blocked me
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?