Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
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me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.