Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
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Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby