If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?