5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)