From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.