Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.