Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky