Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
You Might Also Like
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…