[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
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I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”