Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Yup.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate